The first 5 minutes of X-Men: Apocalypse had me hooked: detailed mythologically inspired costumes, ancient Egyptian engineering, and brutal Mortal-Kombat-style deaths; but after two and a half hours, I left the theater with a headache that only alcohol, drugs, or a bullet could cure. While the special effects and costumes were top notch, a triad of faults in characters, plot, and dialogue combined their powers to screw up a potentially good movie.
The primary flaw was the terrible dialogue that slowly softened my grey matter like a mallet pounding a steak. Every line was either clunky exposition, bad wordplay, or just a reference to another film. The cast constantly reminded audiences what was happening as if they were newscasters reporting from the set. Worse still, there wasn’t one word more than three syllables during the three hour train wreck. Apocalypse’s dialogue rose above the garbage heap because half his lines came directly from the comics and cartoons, but the other half sounded like a 6th grader’s fan-fiction. Even though it’s PG-13, the majority of audiences could’ve handled words like “omnipresent” or “omnipotent” instead of choking down “I will be everywhere. I will be everyone.” If it weren’t for the steady stream of word vomit, I could’ve coped with the other failings.
The seconded greatest flaw was a plot that needed serious trimming. The through line of Apocalypse’s threat would’ve been stronger if it weren’t tangled up by loose ends and tie-ins to other movies. By cutting several superfluous scenes, the movie could’ve been better in an hour and half. The truth is these particular scenes are not part of a well-structured story because they’re designed to pander to the franchise fans with cameos and allusions. They would’ve been better as bonus material on the DVD. For example, the Weapon X tie-in derailed the main story for 30 minutes just build up to a 5 minute Hugh Jackman cameo.
More time should’ve been focused on developing main characters instead of trying to include as many mutants as possible. While a few of the costume designs for the characters, particularly the “horsemen”, were spectacularly comicbook accurate, half of the characters’ personalities were poorly portrayed or completely inaccurate. The Raven of this movie universe is nothing like the comicbook Mystique. She is no longer a sly stealthy manipulator, but a poster hero to young mutants who leads the X-men instead of joining the Brotherhood. Dr. Henry “Beast” McCoy doesn’t research mutant DNA or the history of Apocalypse, and he doesn’t quote a single line of poetry or philosophy. He spends most of the movie as a nerdy cocked-blocked best friend or a furry punching-machine. Our third blue buddy, Nightcrawler, has lost his charm and piety and has transformed into androgynous emo that cracks awkward foreign-exchange student jokes like a feminine Fez from That 70’s Show. Towards the end, he does throw in a few prayers, but his faith, which is a major facet of the Kurt we know and love, feels superficial. Warren Worthington III, rich playboy turned angelic superhero, is now a drunken cage fighter, but at least they got his motivation for becoming Apocalypse’s Archangel right. Storm’s origin as a thieving street rat is accurate, but if a false god gave her a power boost, why didn’t they play up her stint as an African Rain Goddess? There wasn’t too much wrong with Scott or Jean, except for the crummy delivery from Sheridan and Turner who had absolutely no chemistry. I sensed more sexual tension between Jennifer Lawrence and Evan Peters, which was kind of creepy for their characters. Peters’ Quicksilver was actually one of the better characters, not for his slow-motion scenes or nonchalant humor, but for his believable delivery of the bastard’s daddy-issues. Fassbender’s Magneto was decent, but he couldn’t stick to one accent, and I expected less weeping and more cold-hearted anger. Despite their extremely corny exchanges, McAvoy and Isaac depicted Xavier and Apocalypse well enough. There’s not much to say about Psylocke because she doesn’t say much after her introductory scene.
Reflecting on these issues, a fourth, minor flaw becomes apparent. While the trailers were action-packed and dramatic, it’s difficult pin down the tone for the actual film. It tried to be exciting, romantic, and funny at the same time but stretched itself too thin. One budding romance is enough for a sci-fi-action movie, but Singer crammed in two plus a weak love triangle. Worse than the ham-fisted delivery of the exposition was the overabundant humor. A couple good one-liners and puns, maybe some slapstick during combat, and you’ve got your laugh quota, but Singer couldn’t stop clowning around. From Freudian slips and tapping the fourth wall, to awkward teen moments and 80’s pop-culture references, it just didn’t stop. It’s hard to take the end of civilization seriously when the audience is chuckling every 10 minutes.
One might argue that continuity was also an issue for this film, but surprisingly that’s not the case. When contrasting this movie to the 2000-2006 X-men trilogy, a few contradictions do arise: Mystique is on Xavier’s side, Jean meets Logan while she’s a teenager, and Nightcrawler joins the X-men before Rogue, etc, etc. However there’s an easy way to get around all these inconsistencies if you analyze the timeline. First Class acted as a prequel to the first three, and Days of Future Past was a sequel to both the prequel and the trilogy. It is in DoFP that the apparent contradictions stop mattering. If Apocalypse is the sequel to Days of Future Past, acting as the third instalment of a new trilogy that started with First Class, then it is on a separate timeline from the original trilogy that started in 2000. By altering history in Days of Future Past, a new timeline emerged at a point before the events of the first X-men movie, but after First Class and the 1970’s events of Days of Future Past. Put simply, they’ve made an excuse to do whatever they want with the franchise without technically contradicting the earlier films.
The redeeming qualities of X-men: Apocalypse can be credited to the costume designers and special effects team. The outfits were not only reminiscent of the comics, but also totally sweet. The level of detail and scale of the telekinetic construction scenes were monumental. The imagery surrounding Apocalypse combined Egyptian hieroglyphs with circuitry, producing a geometric pattern that reminded me of MTG’s Zendikar or Stargate. Force fields, eye beams, lightning bolts, metallic wings, fiery explosions, and energy weapons, the super powers all looked incredible. As awesome as these visuals were, they are still superficial and not enough to excuse the poor writing. They’re like super sweet sprinkles and hot fudge on top of vomit flavor ice-cream. Is this what movies will be like in the future? Spoon-fed trite in a sugary coat of high definition graphics? As long as it’s got a wrapper that says MARVEL, audiences will keep gobbling it up.
thefletchzone 